A Siren's Prophecy

With all the DiVinci code mania of late I thought I would try my hand at a few 'top secret' conspiracy-laden predicitons of my own. These may end up being as fictional as Brown's book but here goes anyway - - I am looking into my oracle:

1. Cheney will resign following the 2006 midterm elections. He will be replaced by McCain (or some other climber) to bolster McCain's (or the other jackass') bid for the presidency in 2008. Jeb in 2012. Jeb as V.P. in 2008? He'd have to fight Condi for it and I hear she's a hair puller.

2. The U.S. will invade Iran (I know, this one is kind of a no-brainer).

3. Rumsfeld will never resign.

Homeland Paranoia/Anal Probing

Starting now, I officially declare that the Department of Homeland Security be referred to as:

Homeland Paranoia/Anal Probing

You may now return to your regularly scheduled blogging.

Angered Rumsfeld Dismisses General Cho, Demotes Colonel Sanders

From the upcoming issue of The Claremont St. Journal:

Angered Rumsfeld Dismisses General Cho, Demotes Colonel Sanders

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld dismissed General Cho Thursday, citing irreconcilable differences after the meal of bar-b-queued chicken disagreed with his digestive tract. The dismissal came less than a week after Colonel Sanders was demoted and placed on leave for similar sub-ordinance.

Rumsfeld, whose favorite meal is fried chicken, reacted negatively to the spicy Cajun chicken wings he ordered at the Monte Vista KFC franchise last week. A Secret Service personnel came to his rescue, handing the Secretary of Defense a Rolaids tablet.

A spokesman for Sanders, now a Lt. Colonel and on extended unpaid leave according to the State Department, vociferously denied the validity of the demotion.

“It’s ridiculous to assume that the founder and symbol of Kentucky Fried Chicken can be demoted. The title of Colonel is merely symbolic. In fact, to prove our point, we’re promoting him to Vice Admiral and Supreme Allied Fast Food Commander. Let’s see what the DOD has to say about that.”

Rumsfeld, who has ruffled feathers at the fast food joint since becoming a regular patron in 2000, brushed aside notions that he should take responsibility for his ordering the chicken.

Nevertheless, in a conciliatory gesture toward Rumsfeld, punitive action has been taken against the assistant manager and cooks, but so far higher ups have avoided bearing the brunt of the responsibility. Rumsfeld also has had other incidents with KFC in the past, including injuries sustained while slipping on a bathroom floor and a verbal confrontation with a drive through attendant.

Meanwhile, the Secretary of Defense vigorously denied a link between his disagreement with his meal at Happy Chinese Restaurant and the timely dismissal of General Cho.

Said Rumsfeld, “The meal and I may have had a disagreement, but that in no way influenced my decision to dismiss General Cho. Come on, people. You’ve got to make up better stories than that. General Cho was nearing retirement. He’s been making the same chicken dish for how long now, ten, twenty years?”

Happy Chinese Restaurant, in a statement given to the press, intends to continue to offer General Cho’s chicken as an entree to its consumers on its menu. ‘The Secretary of Defense can’t control what we cook. He can dismiss General Cho in his own mind, but we’re still cooking it.”

Meanwhile, a bill is being mailed to the Secretary of Defense, courtesy of Kentucky Fried Chicken, for the $2.75 he failed to pay.