Now it's personal, Rummy

OK Rummy. It's goin down.

This is what happens when I drink some beer, put on some Dr. Dre, and log on to the Blog.

Beeeotch!!!

In that other Blog I mentioned that Rummy has squinty eyes.

What I forgot to mention is that he has small nutz. "Yeah, Rummy, yo nutz is small." Whassup.

You got the wire tap, but yo wire is tapped. Mrs. Rumsfeld has been left out in the cold for a long long time. Your bureaucratic ass hasn't satisfied a woman in decades.

But that's not Iraq's fault. Don't take it out on the entire nation of Islam. No need to tie up Arab dudes and torture them. Especially when its not consensual. Leave that to the Castro District and Chelsea.

If you can't invade your wife, you don't need to invade smaller countries to prove your manliness in this very destructive way. Bob Dole did it in a less invasive, less violent way. Plus that solution helps pharmaceutical profits. You were once a pharmaceutical type of guy. You knew what was going down in "The Constant Gardener." You didn't need to press rewind to hear the whispered conspiratorial secrets. You knew them already. Same with Syriana. You could fast forward through most of it, since it was boring to watch for you. Yawn...this is so 2003.

Hey, give Clooney some credit, he busted out "Good Night and Good Luck" which was old skool 1950's. Which, Rummy, you're down with. The 50's were your glory days. You are a man of the mid 20th century. The dawn of the Cold War. Those were your formative years. You were young and ambitious. You didn't really like Vietnam, and you liked even less the aftermath (which Dre is down with). The legacy of Vietnam was your enemy. And you are still fighting it. Wit small nutz.

See, that's the main problem. If your nutz were OK, you wouldn't have to compensate. But, like a Hummer driver, you're worried. Are your nutz OK? I don't know, better invade a few countries, just to make sure no one says anything.

It's OK Rummy. Most of America is in the same situation. They are worried about their tan lines and eyebrows, and har gel and shirts with cuffs. And most of all, the size of their nutz.

Why were the Native Americans massacred? Because the settlers were insecure about the size of their nutz. Why did the Southern Whitey have slaves? Because he was afraid that the black man had larger nutz. Why did Nelson Mandela serve 30 years as a political prisoner? White man's nutz insecurity. They don't teach you that shit in history class. They say "Manifest Destiny," which is actually "Manifest Density" meaning frontal lobe, but not the subconscious. Ego but not Id.

I'm manifesting a middle finger for Rummy. This is a shout out to my homies to back me up, since Rummy is wiretapping this shit, and he has interns and employees monitoring this thought even before it even gets blogged. Those interns are paid by the Gitmo prisoner illegally abducted. They get quarterly bonuses for depriving environmentalists and Blue State residents of their 1st Amendment rights. An extra $1,000 into their 401(k) whenever they smart bomb target a Clooney in a white SUV trying to prevent a Middle East coup for oil as portrayed at the end of Syriana.

Rummy, you're going down. The Blog is on, and it's all about taking you down. You might have a $500 billion dollar budget of which a significant portion is dedicated to keep upstart smart young Blogger MC's from getting on the mic and rollin out disses like Dre Day, what what, but I got the 1st Amendment, and even if Skull-lito wouldn't know it if it hit his pasty white pro-death skull upside the head, I'm bringin it. Two shouts out to the young Republican who is assigned to read this Blog and "track" this information. See you at the Hummer Protest beeotch. I'll be the one with the 2 foot middle finger. You'll be the one with the small nutz. You'll be hard to pick out among the Hummer shoppers.

Rummy, these disses probably hurt. I want the hurt to stop too. Here's a way to make it go away. Change your ways. Read Jared Diamond's "Collapse." Burn the Crichton book. You can buy me off. One or two hundred billion toward the renewable energy/climate protection/social justice project of my choice. None of this hundred million stuff. I want a hundred billion. Minimum.

You might think I'm soft on national security. Not all, homie. You are stuck in some kind of Dr. Strangelove house of mirrors. I'm trying to help you out here. Give me a hundred billion, and I'll help you do your information awareness or whatever you call the propoganda you're spewing. White Man's burden or whatever. I'll help you improve your image...the same way Jimmy Carter improved the image of the US in the Middle East. Foo! That's how it's done. Jimmy was down from the olden days. Your style is outdated. Jimmy is where it's at.

Rummy, you best resign now, this Blog is on fire, and you have no chance. Give up now before it gets ugly. Beeotch!

Bloggin 101

We be bloggin. Here's how you do it.

Go to Copperfield's Books (or Borders or whatever if you don't have a local bookstore left because of Walmartification) (uh oh, it's gonna be one of those blogs with all the parentheses).

Casually flip through the books in the new nonfiction hardcover section about climate change.

Let the facts slowly permeate. Loss of biodiversity. Changing the climate for potentially millions of years. Who are we to do that? My life is 100 years. Why should I permanently alter the whole Earth's climate for millions of years so that I can live a materialistic life which involves driving hundreds of miles, thousands of miles, 20,000 miles a year for what? Why should every ecosystem on the planet and every frog and coral reef die for that?

Then go home. Idly flip channels, ending inevitably on MTV, a residual from the teenage years when Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar on Me" alternated with Guns n Roses' "Paradise City." Alas, nowadays, it only shows reality TV starring people who are most concerned with their eyebrows and tan lines, hair gel and shirts with cuffs. Do they care about the Earth? Hah! To even ask the question. I suggest a new show: "Environmental Intervention." or "Extreme Environmental Makeover." Episode 1: This is the Earth. You live on it. You are a member of the species that is fucking it up. You have the ability to stop the damage before it is too late. If you do nothing it might be too late within your lifetime. Most troublingly, this could negatively impact your eyebrows and tan lines, hair gel and shirts with cuffs.

Next step, very important: drink some wine, and start rifling through the fridge looking for some beer. Then sit down and continue bloggin while Eminem's "Mosh" plays in the background.

I mean, I like this Blog, but this Blog is not worth every coral reef in the world.
But this Blog is not the problem. The energy infrastructure that underlies this Blog is the problem. I want a Blog, but I don't want tons of CO2. The CO2 is an unwanted byproduct. Return to Sender.

Still, the use of this Blog is part of the problem. If we could do demand reduction, that would reduce the CO2. On the other hand, if we could build a political constituency to move the bureaucracies that define the rules of the energy infrastructure, we could change how all Blogs are powered, and then we could remove the guilt associated with all forms of electronic communication, which substitutes for paper which saves trees.

Guilt or CO2? Which is my greater burden?

So about Rumsfeld (you were wondering when I would get to that). Every post on this Blog needs to have a mention of Rumsfeld. Even if you have to make something up. Start rumors about Rumsfeld. I heard he's dating Lindsay Lohan. I don't care, but incorporate Rumsfeld into every post.

Here's how the greenhouse gas emissions of this Blog relates to Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld has the biggest budget in the world. Rumsfeld can do anything he wants to. With $500 billion, you could do anything. You could have a pretty fuckin cool sushi night with your friends for your birthday. You could fuckin well change the energy infrastructure of the fuckin country, and have money left over to completely renovate the decrepit American auto industry to make cars that get 100, hell, 200 miles per gallon (and for you interns out there, that's mpg, yo). Just for fun you could make rules saying that cars need to get 187 miles to the fuckin gallon, and that every gas station needs to put on their price listing the word "fuckin" next to the price per gallon. (by the way, I'm bloggin to Ice Cube's song "Steady mobbin" now, that's steady bloggin yo) Rumsfeld's got the budget to solve these problems. He could do an instant global Marshall Plan, and get Africa's attention, stop them genociding each other with some economic incentives, get each village in Congo a wireless PC powered by a solar panel, and put bicycle factories in every country, with water purifiers which attach to the back. I got a hundred ideas for Rumsfeld's budget. Instead Rumsfeld likes to invade and cause trouble. "There goes the neighborhood"

When people asked me would I like to be Administrator of the EPA, I said no, I want to be Secretary of Defense. Why? Cause with that money I could tear up some shit. The EPA's budget would buy me one week of toilet paper from Costco. Maybe that's part of the problem, but I would rather blame Rumsfeld. He's just so squinty eyed. Someone call up Al Franken, he needs to name a chapter "Rumsfeld- the squinty eyed liar." I shouldn't refer to Rumsfeld's physical attributes or lack thereof. But all y'allz other Bloggers have hardly given a shout out or a diss to Rummy, so I needed to step up, word.

I'm gonna post this shit, and continue on a new post. I'm not done with Rummy yet.

Unenvironmentalism

Why are the Republicans so skilled at using something that seems good to do bad? A new bill is being touted as a way to close the so-called "Hummer" loop-hole, that allows Hummers and other outrageously large trucks and SUVs exemptions from fuel economy standards. The Republicans are talking about how much oil this is going to save and what great environmentalists they are and I thought to myself, "hey this sounds good."

Wrong. In fact, most pickup trucks will still be exempt, the rules don't kick in until like 2011, AND worst of all - - the real reason Bush and his cronies want this to pass is so there will be a federal law that preempts more proactive state fuel economy laws (like those in California).

[Law nerd interlude: the doctrine of federal preemption (generally) states that where a federal law and a state law on the same topic conflict, the federal law trumps and the state law becomes invalid.]

So now it all becomes painfully clear, the Republicans want their crappy law to replace CA's and the 10 states that have modeled their laws on CA's, thereby lowering fuel economy requirements and targets. And they wrap it all up in what seems like an environmentally friendly package.

A new Blog

So, it appears that this is the sixth blog-posting on the RI blog-site. I'm not certain if this entails automatic induction into the shrine of RI Alpha or Founding-father class, nor am I sure, for that matter, of the blogging process. What are the long term ramifications of blogging? Why blog? Why the name: blog? Why not "golb". Or "elog"? These are pertinent questions which should be tackled by and incorporated into the fossilized field of philosophy, preoccupied as it has been with questions of the origins of supernatural beings at the expense of social inquiries of the technological evolution of human enterprise.

Therefore, let us open our dusty tomes to the chapter entitled, etymology. And let us not confuse this with the entomology chapter which I, a voracious tabby predator, trapped under my paw and ate this morning.

Blog, it can be inferred, stems from "log", meaning a journal or record of events. But the "b" ... perhaps someone said to the first blogger: "what are you doing on-line?" And the hesitant reply was, "I'm logging".
"What?"
"Writing a log? As in "Captain's log, star date ..."
"I'm still confused. Please elaborate," came the Vulcanian response, annoyingly devoid of emotion.
So at last, with indignant ardor, the fateful reply was elicited, "I'm Blasted Logging!" Yet, choked with rage and resulting from the amplitudal distortion of the higher audible frequencies arising from the emotional tenor of the outburst, and because this verbal exchange was being obfuscuriously broadcast over a webcam that had been hacked by a 14-year-old, subsequently spoofed by pseudo-goth-grunge Linux phreaks employing a masked I.P. subnet, and cloned by a virulent Trojan-class BOT exploiting a flaw in Internet Explorer, it sounded more like: "I'm BlLogging!" Which, henceforth became the normative term used to describe a "web log". Oh wait, that's where it comes from. weB log. I see....

Next time: rambling of a more coherent and politico-social (not geopolitical) import. Topic: equivocation and its use in the willful subjugation of American intelligentsia.

Roll On You Bears!

The following has little to do with (1) Rumsfeld (2) the Bush administration generally (3) Cox or (4) other corporate fraudsters, other than the fact that bears should be allowed to wrestle all of the above.

Yahoo news covered the hot topic of bear wrestling in a recent article (perhaps the democrats, in their infinite wisdom, will make it into a wedge issue in the 2006 election):

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060322/ap_on_re_us/bear_battles

I had to blog on the topic because the article contains one of the funniest quotes I have ever read in a news article. (Alert the Daily Show... a whole piece must be done on this!) The bear wrestling organizer (think of him as the Don King of animal wrestling) stated:

"To be able to bring an animal out into the public and do what we do is not easy. I mean we're talking about a bear! Do you even realize how much work, time and love we put into that? It's like nobody stops to realize that."

He's right, I had never stopped to realize how much love goes into bear wrestling and all I can say dear readers, to atone for my sin, is... my bad.

Cox Blocking

No, I'm not talking about your buddy moving in on the girl you're trying to get with at the pub fellas; I'm talking about blocking a much more sinister Cox... SEC Chairman Christopher Cox. As this blog's senior corporate ass-kicking correspondent I feel it is my responsibility to let the public know that, as famed plaintiff-side securities lawyer Bill Lerach said of Cox's appointment to head of the SEC, "it is like putting the fox in the chicken coop." (think Bolton as ambassador to the U.N.)

Cox is a former securities defense attorney who represented beacons of veracity like Arthur Andersen and Merrill Lynch. Later he represented the O.C. (stands for Orange Curtain) and was always a pro-big business, defense bar loving, anti-consumer, anti-shareholder, anti-regulation, well, jackass.

One of his contributions to the dark side includes authoring the PSLRA (Private Securities Litigation Reform Act). This act was intended to make it harder for defrauded investors to get their money back from the corporate liars and cheats that took it from them. In part, the Act raises the pleading standard for plaintiffs, basically making them prove up their case before they even get to the document discovery phase. It creates a catch 22: you can't get discovery until you provide a slew of facts proving your claim and you can't very well do that without getting documents from the corporations and fraudsters who committed the wrong you're complaining about.

So why is Cox so "hard on" the above issue? Could it be because Cox himself was investigated for trying to "screw" investors? Ya think! Cox was sued in civil court for corporate securities fraud in 1994, one year before he authored the PSLRA that was eventually passed over President Clinton's veto. (coincidence?)

AS OC Weekly reported, "Before he was elected to Congress in 1988, [Cox] was a corporate lawyer for the failed Irvine securities firm First Pension Corp . . . First Pension collapsed in 1994 after stealing $136 million from 8,500 investors, many of whom were senior citizens who lost their life savings . . . An investor suit accused Cox of knowing of the securities fraud and helping to conceal it."

Finally, dear friends, I find that when truly horrible people sing your praises the odds that you yourself are also horrible are pretty frigg'n good. Let's see who has been "sucking Cox" (and not in a good way):

Contributions to Rep. Christopher Cox by the financial services industry 1993-2004: $988,763

Financial services sector’s rank among Cox’s contributors 1993-2004: 1st

The Securities Industry Association leaders said they saw the Cox nomination as an opportunity for the agency to "reassess burdensome, duplicative, costly" regulations.

Cox has an 87 percent lifetime rating from the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, meaning he has voted in favor of the chamber's position on legislation the vast majority of the time.

Peter J. Wallison, a former White House counsel who supervised Cox, said Cox "would be driven by data instead of adopting regulations because they seemed like a good idea." [God forbid we do anything that seems like a good idea!!]

And lastly... President Bush likes him... need I say more.

For more fun facts on Cox check out: http://billmon.org/archives/001869.html and this Washington Post Article where I pilfered a bunch of the above quotes http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/06/02/AR2005060200641.html

Abortion and the Matrix

Since this is by first blog, I thought I'd start with a simple and non-controversial topic: Abortion inside the Matrix. What if the Matrix were real and we are simply simulations in a machine? How would abortion politics play out?

For-instance, when does life begin in a holographic computer simulation? Is it when the proper subroutine is called, when the bits of memory are freed for the execution of the 'start life' function, or when the buffer reads the analog binary encryption sequence in serial?

When you halt execution of a subroutine, did you terminate a simulation, or halt the processing of code that would have become a simulation?

In short, if you told James Dobson that the universe might be a computer simulation, so he shouldn't worry about abortions since they're just halting the execution of subroutines, would he listen?

An Enemy of the People

Ibsen's "Enemy of the People" is an amazing play that precisely follows a three-way collision of untempered idealism, bourgeois conservatism, and political expediency. Eventually, of course, the political expediency and bourgeois conservatism join forces and leave the untempered idealism, embodied by the wildly uncompromising physician Stockmann, hung out to dry. As the disillusioned Stockmann becomes increasingly marginalized in his small community, he rapidly loses respect for social niceties and becomes a kind of rabid Socrates, committing himself to truth-telling no matter what the cost to himself or his neighbors. Ibsen's play is a timeless, tragic portrait of the grim conflict between idealism and social and political expediency; however, Stockmann emerges as a somewhat heroic figure in his social martyrdom and the play ends with his renewed commitment to fight an inevitably losing battle.

One of my favorite lines from the play is Stockmann's indignant response to the mention of a political party, "A political party - it's like a sausage grinder; it grinds up all the heads together in one mash, and then it turns them out, link by link, into fatheads and meatheads."

In the spirit of Stockmann and his ingenious meat analogy, I present my deli plate of American politics:

Donald Rumsfeld / Beef Jerkey - tough, salty, hard to digest

Dick Cheney / Gristle - a viscid blob of fat firmly lodged in the arteries of democracy

Condoleeza Rice / Vienna Sausage - sounds fancy, but really just processed meat sold in a can

George Bush / Bologna - God's gift to white bread

The Democratic Party / Headcheese - nobody knows whether it's meat or cheese; a motley amalgam of equally disagreeable flavors pressed together in a completely unpalatable loaf

Peter Camejo / Plain Tofu - the conscientious and completely flavorless choice

(The moral of the story...I'll have the steamed veggies and a 40 of Old E!)

Long War, Shlong War

Someone had to say it. I'm sorry it had to be me.
In the Quadrennial Review, Rumsfeld began using the term "The Long War."
Because the War on Terror is unwinnable, and the Repubs in Congress are getting antsy going into their midterm elections. The Long War- what could be more Orwellian?

Another term which Rumsfeld Invaders recommends is "The Shlong War."
Bush, Dick, and Majority Leader Boehner (pronounced "boner") have assisted Rumsfeld in attempting to compensate for Rumsfeld's impotence by fighting macho wars. How many countries did Bob Dole invade? A pharmaceutical solution would have been less deadly.

Back in the 70's, Gerald Ford's incontinence led us to build dams on rivers all over the country.
Reagan had asthma, and that's why we used CFC's to destroy the ozone layer.
OK, I'm getting a bit abstract here.

New Blog, Old Blog

Prior to the recent creation of this Blog, there were occasional rantings at this website:

http://www.rumsfeldinvaders.com/rumsblog.htm

In case you're hesitating on checking it out, it begins: "Welcome to the RumsBlog, we got fun and games, we got everything you want, and we know the names."

This new Blog is still new, so it's unclear how many Guns and Roses References will make it into print. We appreciate your Patience. Yeah-ah.

A new Blog for Rumsfeld Invaders

Hey everyone!

Rumsfeld Invaders is entering the conventional Blogosphere. What do you think of that?

RI's Blogging topics are as follows:

-Rumsfeld
-Disgruntled politics (left leaning, and somewhat green)
-Corruption, deception, and evil-ness in the Federal Government (yes, that includes you Cheney!)
-Sustainable energy policy/climate protection/Priuses, etc.
-Political satire

Ask the moderator how you can join in.
Note: This Blog is for Friends of Rumsfeld Invaders, not Friends of Rumsfeld. (notice the subtle difference)