The Horned Chicken Man Rant

Photo caption: The Horned Chicken Man rants and struggles with the bailiff at the Rant-a-thon

The following rant was delivered, in part, at the 1st ever Rant-a-thon on July 28th, 2006 by Shepherd Bliss, sb3@pon.net, accompanied by musician Russell Sutter. Allies—Jack, John, Jeff, Leslie, Maggie, etc. adding chicken sounds.

(Props—chickens, cages, blanket, shofar, mask, black coat, cane.)

*This is not a poem. The line breaks make it easier for old eyes to read at the Rant-a-thon and helps me remember when to pause, pause, pause.

BLOW SHOFAR LOUDLY (bringing in animal presence with the ram’s horn, to which Russell adds whistle and flute sounds.)

I attended a Council of All Beings on the land I share with other creatures.
Most didn’t want a human at the Council.
The critters complained about the damage humans do.
They want us off the Earth.

Chicken spoke up for me personally,
So they let me observe.
Chickens are my allies.
If you consider chickens as your allies,
Let us know by sounds or movements of solidarity.

The Council assigned me the task of translating into your arrogant human talk.
I was given these notes—so I might get the Council’s
Collective thinking correct.

The flock where I live likes music,
And refer to themselves as the Dixie Chicks.
This is Lacey, a little nervous among so many humans
And 2 bantams new to the flock.

The critters call me Horned Chicken Man—Or Horney for short.
The horns help me protect animals and plants from predators—
mainly humans,
Who prey on them, eat them, destroy their habitat.
Gopher and badger were at the Council,
Digging holes to get away from you.

Cougar kept her distance.
Many insects—buzzing, crawling, creeping.

Berries were vocal.
They want more water.
You take too much water.
You pollute it for the rest of us.

Apple said she wants water also—
No more of your dry farming.

Quail bobbed around,
Lichen and fungus listened.
Oak was sturdy
Redwood kept dancing with wind.

Chicken was elected to represent the Council as Power Animal.
So I offer you a chicken perspective on humans.
Chicken Wisdom you might call it.
The Council sent chickens to observe

This Human Council
The Council of All Beings was real democracy—
Not American democracy.
One creature—one vote,
Regardless of color, size, age, or whatever.
No Diebold machines…No millionaires…No movie stars.

You think that chickens have a pecking order.
Check out the human pecking order—
By gender, class, race, nationality.

At least chickens have real cocks,
Not like that imitation cock that Americans have as president.

He’s a bully.
Chicken hawks they call the Neo-Cons.
Don’t take our good name in vain. (wave cane)

Remember that classic question.
“Which came first—the chicken or… the human?”
Chickens were here before you arrived.
They are our ancestors.
Chickens will be here long after humans destroy ourselves,
Unless we blow everything up.
Chickens and their allies
Are ready to come home to roost,
So move aside,
Unless you can behave yourselves,
Which we doubt.
So fly your Earthly coup in some space ship
And leave the planet to the chickens and other creatures.

Avian Flu…and other little creatures,
viruses like AIDS--were honored guests at the Council.

Perhaps they can clean the place
Of you foul creatures without damaging all of us.

You spoil your nest,
Which is also our nest,
And then talk down to us.
You smug environmentalists,
Climate change activists, Peak Oilers, liberals, and radicals--
You’re all part of the problem.
You think you are so good—with your Priuses.
Give us a break.
Piss on your phallic Prius hybirds
And those silly bio-diesel fuels.
Give me a low-bird any day.

WHEN THEY TRY TO GET ME OFF

Our 3 human minutes are up.
No, your time is up.
We’re not gonna willingly get off this soap box.
We’ve got a few more things to say to you humans.
You seldom listen.

(Use cane to fight off bouncers.)

I want to get to the sex part,where we talk about real cocks.
Can you give me another minute?

You think you’re so smart.
Zeno, for example—with his European pedigree and degree in logic.
He doesn’t even like Caribbean music.
What does he know about worms—that’s what’s important.
Chicken Little was right--the sky is falling.
Cowardly state terrorists drop bombs from the skies
On innocent brown-skinned civilians in Afghanistan, Iraq & Lebaonon,
Including deliberately targeting UN peacekeepers & Red Cross vehicles.

Chicken asked me to add a personal note about sex—
“What do humans know about sex?” she said.
“Big Red mounts me all day—what a cock.
Every time I shake, it’s a multiple orgasm.”

“Meanwhile, your cocky president
Struts about destroying the world.
And millions of you voted for that rooster.
How smart was that?”

The hens all agree that humans need more sex
And less shopping.
Make love, consume less.

Humans aren’t even good ranters,
Myself included.
Chickens, on the other hand….

Come on, let’s hear your inner chickens rant.
Let it out.

OK, Lacey and you little bantam friends,radiate your love and aloha.
Chickens are love birds,
We need their Prey Wisdom.
Act like a flock,
Not only like individual humans,
And maybe we will make it.

Or as the great ecologist Aldo Leopold writes,
“Think like a… Chicken.”

Alooooha.

-Shepherd